Last Day of September

It's that time again. The time where I feel I am on the downward fall of negativity. Whirling emotions are enveloping my whole persona, my entire world. I don't know what to think of. I am tired. I am hopeless. I want to shout. I want to cry. I'm at my lamest but still, I'm alive...

While traveling with my headset on playing motivational songs and with my eyes staring nowhere, I can't help but to feel sad and depressed. My mind is on the repeat mode of playing all the unpleasant baggage I have. Maybe it's just because I'm so bone-weary. Maybe it's because of my hormones. Maybe because I'm expecting too much about my future life. Maybe because I'm sleepless. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm already fed up with all the dirty lies and b*llsh**s of people.

I am fond of labeling myself as vulnerable but tough. I am indestructible. Geez, with all the things I've been through, I know I am a survivor. From physical abuse to bullying; from car accident to overdosage; from life threatening hospitalizations to nodes (Thank God! T'was a misdiagnosis!), from perfectionist parents to broken family (Almost! But we did it! We're still complete!); from being broken due to stupid boys to being single for long years; who wouldn't say that I am not a supergirl? I'm telling you, it's not that easy. I even came to the point where I thought that I have no one except God.

So what's the point of crying right now? Like what I've said, I really don't know the exact reason why. Demotivated perhaps. I want to know my purpose. I want to know the real meaning of life. Well not the type of getting to Alaska and have some wild adventure nor travel through the three I's, India, Indonesia, and Italy like what Elizabeth Gilbert did after her divorce. I just want to be destined to happiness. It sounds really melodramatic. It is. It is my fault why I'm feeling this way. I have chosen this fate. However, I want to get out of it. I want to be free. There will be a point in your life wherein you will realize that the dream you're longing for is a piece of mess that will eventually tell you to stop. Sometimes, the stuff that you think that is good for you is actually something that will harm you. You can't feel it at first because you're too blinded with the glitters it shows.

Oh well, too much drama. I would like to cut this off by merely saying my last words for this entry... Ladies and gentlemen, I maybe used for becoming a forever hyphenated yes person, criticized, bullied, or pulled down by crabs, hypocrites, snakes, serpents, backstabbers, or traitors through different ways by different faces but STILL I exist. I'm still here. No matter how big the stone you'll throw at me, I will just give you a flying kiss. I know God put me on this stage for a reason. I may feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually stressed at this stage in my life but trust me, I will be okay.

So for those who are experiencing the same sitch, just hold your head up. Oops, that's not the first step! Verbalize everything to your friend, parents, or through the most perfect way, to our Almighty God. Go put your palms together and kneel. You might feel crippled because of too much dilemmas but remember, God will not give you something you can't handle. Moreso, if you want a thing that is too hard to get, like in my case, take the time to relax. As most of the people nowadays say, good things come to those who wait. If you can't wait, then go get your arse off and work for it! xx

Photo: Yours truly! ü Follow me on Instagram and Twitter! @diannecsalazar

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In Need Of Big Help

I was so excited to go on duty last night. I even posted a status on FB about my persona of being addicted to my work. I didn't know why but I was really excited to wear my scrubs, have my rounds, and be a nurse for 12 hours! I came on our station like 40 minutes before the handoff time. I received the different pieces of information regarding my patients as early as I was in our workplace. I had my rounds at exactly 6:30 in the evening. I had a great time. But why why why why on this Earth, should I need to stay more than two hours from my span of work. I went home late again for 2 & 1/2 hours (well, it's more acceptable now than my previous check out of more than 4 hours beyond my working hours). It's quite terrible because I can't understand. I was always like this for about 4 months already and I'm starting to feel that the dedication I have is momentously slipping away from me because of too much tiredness and stress. I can't blame my job of being a nurse for experiencing these things. I hate myself. I don't understand why I always stay late, why I need to be OC and paranoid at times. They said that you're incompetent if you can't finish a task within a given time. It's like having no answers for the timed written exam your teacher formulated during your school years. But how? I was always trying my best but I don't fvckin' know. I don't know the problem. I don't understand. Help me.

Euphoria

Twinkling, twinkling... A little girl is shining on her own galaxy of happiness. Glazing crystals cover her... A horizon of colors dearly hugs her... She is there, dancing in the Milky Way of self-confidence.

She's not in love.

She's not rich.

She's away from home.

Euphoria... How... Why...

Soon.

Little Miss Independent

It's almost one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm still on my bed. I'm still embracing my pillows, thinking of how I can manage to stand up and face my everyday battle. Big thoughts are in my head, almost giving me headache. I've got a lot of stuff to reflect on. Okay, I know, I'm a balderdash. With tons of pounding things circling on my head, I can't even prioritize on which one I should focus.

My life is routinary. I wake up everyday depending on my schedule. I always wake up more than 2.5 hours before my expected time of arrival at my workplace because I move too slow. I have many rituals. At the very moment I open my eyes, I'll hold my rosary and start praying, thanking God for giving me another day to cherish. After that, I'll start preparing. The heat of the iron while I press my scrub suit with the letters RN on the left part almost makes me get forty winks again. Hang them. Go to the fridge and check on something for breakfast. Put some cereals on a bowl. Look for my tackle box. There, I still have my favorite brand of coffee. Turn on the heater. Wait, wait. Done. Pour some hot water in my favorite cup which has a quotation of "Keep calm and dream on." Mix, mix. Voila! Coffee and cereals for breakfast! While munching on my cereals, I face my iPad. Scroll, scroll. Tweet "Good morning!" Scroll, scroll. Check new Instagram photos. Scroll, scroll. Fvck! Do they really need to post something icky and duh, nonsense stuff on Facebook? Scroll, scroll. Hit the Youtube page. Select the audio vid of We Can't Stop by Miley Cyrus. "Forget the haters coz somebody loves ya..." Give a fast tap on my phone. Geez!!! I have to take a bath already. Rush, rush. Ooh, the water is so cold I wanna take a bath forever. Dress up. Put on makeup because we are required to do so. A light makeup will work. It's awkward to look pale when facing patients. There you go! All set and ready for another duty as a NURSE.

So I'm still stuck on my bed. I'm too lazy to get up. As I've said, I have a lot of things to ponder on, questions to answer. What am I gonna eat for dinner later? When will I start doing the laundry again? How many hours of sleep will I get? When will be my next duty? Can I have a double off next cutoff? When will I see my family? My friends? How should I decide for my next derma appointment? When will I start enrolling myself to a yoga class because my scoliosis is getting worse based from my judgment! How can I budget my monthly income for my monthly dues? Can I still manage to be a MAN student at my university of choice?

My life when I was at my hometown was so simple. Upon waking up, breakfast was set already. After eating, I had the chance to be a couch potato. I didn't have to worry about the laundry. I didn't have to worry about budgeting. I had all the time in the world to mingle with my friends and family. I wasn't this tired. I had long hours of sleep except for the moments I had for burning brows, of course.

I LOVE MY LIFE THEN AND NOW. It's actually hard to adjust and to work my arse off but it's superbly okay. I've achieved one of my greatest dreams. Despite the long walks (Well, I'm allowed to ride on shuttles now.), chores, endless budgeting, homesickness, sleepless nights; when I see those big letters on the hospital where I work, I can't help but to smile and thank the Lord for pushing me this far. I still have that burning passion and I won't let the flame turn to dust. It's a promise.

Seriously, I'm so proud of myself. No, I'm not bragging. I'm proud of being independent. At first, I thought I couldn't make it. Look at me now!

Oh, well. Thank you for reading this rubbish post. I just hope I inspired you to strive on no matter how hard it will be to achieve your greatest dream. Just pray hard and embrace all the trials. You're bigger than the tests if you have God in your heart. Anyways, I'm gonna bid my bye now for I will catch some Zs again. It will be my first graveyard duty later and I'm so excited. Cheerio! Much love! 💋

Sometimes I Feel Like Marilyn Monroe

Twisting paths between being a young lady with a tough personality and a little girl with vulnerability, I feel like Marilyn Monroe sometimes. Inspired by the song Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj, tonight, alone at the beach, gazing at the dark sky and the calm waves of the sea, I will create something that will encircle what I know about a tough personality.

Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. She should be loved and respected despite the flaws she has in her niche.

💬 "I CAN BE SELFISH YET SO IMPATIENT."
⭐ Selfishness is a sin yet sometimes it's a good thing to ponder especially when you can't deal anymore with the cruel acts of someone. Whirling emotions, there are times that you need to love yourself first. Stop letting yourself be crashed by anyone. You build your own happiness. It's your choice. Yes, I know that kindness is a great thing. However, being fixated to this stuff make someone abusive. They will abuse your nice personality. Don't let them beat you. You're always thinking of them but are they thinking about you?
⭐ Impatience is a big no. If you really want something, you should wait for it. However, what if it really is not for you? Back off. If you already gave your best but it's not noticed at all, stand up! Try pointing your direction to another way!

💬 "I'M INSECURE. I MAKE MISTAKES. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE END OF THE ROAD."
⭐ We all have flaws. All of us have blots. We hit the wrong ones. We feel like we're pounded. These are all normal. Face everything. Life is not that everyday-happy-ending thing. When you feel like someone's or something's knocking you down, try to uplift yourself. Mistakes are inevitable but you can do something about it. Wake up! Improve yourself! Forget about it! You're not the only person who experience it.

💬 "IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY WORST, YOU AIN'T GETTING MY BEST."
⭐ I don't know if I'm narcissistic but a lot of people buzzed that I'm an old-school-good-girl type of person. But hey! I have my worst side too! Too bad they can't understand it. What can I say? Whatever. Talk that talk. I'm what I am right now. You might judge me but I won't care! What you see is what you get.

💬 "I CAN GET HIGH LIKE I COULD NEVER COME DOWN. I CAN GET LOW. DON'T KNOW WHICH WAYS UP."
⭐ I am a woman with big dreams in life. My dreams are as high as the heaven. I'll take every inch, step, or risk just to reach it. No barrels can outweigh me. Contrastingly, I know that life is a bit shattered sometimes. Like me, most girls can encounter a lot of disparagements. It's inevitable. Nevertheless, I believe that whether we're at the top or at the bottom stake, each of us should remain simple and humble. Humility is a great thing to preserve your intact shred of integrity.

💬 "TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME, I'LL NEVER BE PERFECT. BELIEVE ME I'M WORTH IT."
⭐ One will hardly understand me. (I suppose) But I know that deep down on somebody's veins, there's something tickling there that will love every single thing about me. I'm not perfect and I will never be. Nobody's perfect, anyways. On the contrary, with my strong conviction, I believe that people will accept me as the way I am. Someday, pressures will bunch out. Someday, expectations will fall. Someday, disparagements will burn. If these things won't happen, it's alright. After all, I'm living and surviving for my life and not for people who keep on eyeing me.

For the closure, I want a smart striking paragraph.

Too bad. Those people who know less about you are the ones who boastfully claim some stories that might destroy your reputation. Oh well, that's life. Just keep your chin up, beautiful. As long as you have God in your heart, no one can hurt you. They might screw your name but they can never destroy your soul. Let them talk and talk. Good vibes!

First Love

He used to call me his angel and I proved that I was.

2 years, 26 days, 7 hours – the time frame when I loved someone unconditionally. Those memories, oh sweet terrible memories… lingered in my mind, caught my soul, and buried my heart.

I remember the time when I first fell in love. Everything was so magical. I believed in fairy tales. He was actually my knight in a shining armor. Those eyes… his gleaming eyes pounded my weak knees. I felt the throbbing of my heart. And his words… oh yes, his words, I felt the sincerity of his honey-tongued lines.

Too drastic, too melodramatic. Cruel things happened but I didn’t surrender. I realized he was not my dream man but I didn’t give up because I love him so much. He’s a player. He’s a liar. He didn’t have any plans in life. He chase after other girls. He was always drunk. He got no effort. But what made me stay? It’s because he didn’t let a day pass without showing that I was so dear important in his life.

Well some said I was trapped by the sitch. I was blind. Others said that I was poisoned by his sweet disguise because if he really loved me he will dump the other woman clinging on him. He did actually. He saved our relationship. He proved to me that he’s worth fighting for. So as a result, I gave him another chance and we let true love bloom again.

Suddenly, our happy memories turned into a piece of mess. Drastic. Horrible. If our love was true and powerful, why did it end? He lied to me. He really lied to me. He didn’t dump her. I asked him why? Because the other woman was suicidal he said. For God’s sake! Desperate! I gave up but he said he’ll fix all the mess and I just have to wait. I waited for months and months then one night, his brother texted me saying that my first love will marry the other woman. I cried. I cried. All I know was I cried.

After crying for a night, the next day, I learned how to be strong. I learned how to be tough. I learned how to stand up again. I can’t be mad at him for what he had done because despite of that anger, nothing will happen. It will just make my life more miserable. On the contrary, I realized at one point in my life that I was happy with our fate because I changed his life. From trash, he became a good and responsible man. He was just so unlucky because he was tied to a leech but that’s his destiny. Suddenly, with the swirling of thoughts in my mind, his unending line beat me “You’re my angel.” I grasped, I really was his angel.

4 years and 6 months of being single and alone, past forgotten, no communication; I felt another spark but I was so damn afraid to love again but I can’t help it. I fell. And it was like déjà vu because I was caught by the wrong one for the second time. They have the same attitude, vices, and everything. But along the line, beyond my standards, he was the one I chose. I didn’t know why. That’s the magic of love. You will never know when to fall and who will catch you.

Yes, for second time the ending’s not good and it lasted only for 4 months. And pretty terrible! Life was really tricky! My first breakup was on the 24^th and with the second, it was twisted to 23^rd to 24^th too. Sigh. However, I got no regrets because at this time, I learned again. And come on! I believe that life’s too short to stress myself with people who do not deserve to be a part of me! Anyway, I wonder if what my first love will say if I will tell him all my stories about this recent guy. I bet he’ll laugh because upon making me a man hater and picky one, I was poisoned again by love. Well, that’s life. No matter how many fool, stupid, first love-like guy, and 24^th heartbreaking disaster will come my way, I believe that I will always be an angel. J

A Great Encounter With A Rose

Whenever I feel the heap of loneliness, I just look up to the sky and pray that someday, a knight in a shining armor will take me in his castle of blissfulness and love. I'm not afraid of taking chances and dreaming of a fairy tale-like love story which will entail my happiness. I certainly believe that I can find that happiness momentously within the swirl of time and fate. Like a rose, it takes a lot of time to bloom. I'm not rushing things. Instead, I patiently wait and wait until I can shine beautifully with that one guy who is right for me. :)