Have you ever been crashed unto a bunch of trials? Have you experienced a past that you never expected to happen? Have you ever felt that you don’t have neither a family nor a friend to lean on? Being unto the impediments of life is a panorama that makes one debilitate and lose hope. Regrets may arise and dissatisfaction may front. Rage may conquer and revenge may slip on a previously conscientious mind. It’s not easy, it has never been easy.
Pardon me if I will write something that is so emotional. It is because right at this moment, I am writing with my heart and not with my mind. I have these hidden sentiments that I actually want to vanquish but I don’t think that it would be doable. I really am having a hard time to ponder on how I can solve my mind-boggling problems. I don’t have any valor to kick all the predicaments. I don’t have the magic to let them disappear. What I only have is a pen and pieces of paper that will help me boost all what’s inside of me which will be spared to all of you, dear readers.
With my 18 years of existence here in a not-so-good place in the universe, I am already used with shame, issues, pain, and degrading things. For me, a day with no criticisms, heartbreaking scenarios, or will-make-your-face-red stuff is an IMPOSSIBLE DAY. Every now and then, I bump into snobs, bad comments, misinterpretations, insecurities, haters, and serious problems. Well, it’s typical for me that’s why I just act so naïve. My whole persona had been fizzled with toughness. Hell, I don’t care about the flaws! Moreover, I’m not numb like what you are thinking right now. It’s just that, I don’t want to bug myself and worry. It sucks!
Here we go to the much-awaited spice of this article. Okay, this will be all it takes. I will leave some awful comments but there are no names that will be alleged on. Forgive me guys; writing is my only way to defend myself against all the persons who abased me. And oh, by the way, as what I am saying, there will be no names, so you don’t need to exaggeratedly react. If you do, then it might be a peccadillo that will make you superbly culpable…
Wearing a smile all throughout the day is a task (Task kasi lagi na lang talagang pinapagawa sakin!) that I can’t bring about. People are always asking me to smile all the time (for Ms. Congeniality???!!!). Also, there were times that some will sulk if I didn’t greet them. They told others that I am a so-staid snob. It’s alright with my part because I do really know that there are times that I don’t look at the face of some people when I encounter them not because of being snobby but because of being too timid. Conversely, it’s different when I caught someone smiling at me or at least greets me. For sure, I will return a big smile. I will not ignore him/her. (Kapag nakita ko ah, inuulit ko, kapag nakita ko.) However, people are people. They are rational, intelligent, and sometimes judgmental to the extent that they can hurt someone. Like in my case, I have always been misinterpreted by a lot. I would like to apologize (though I don’t know my mistake) but I lose the will to do it because of being belittled. MAPAGMALAKI… ISNABERA… MASUNGIT… MAYABANG… These are some of the descriptions of people when they hear my name. The worst part is, they even tell their false impressions to others. As a result, I have a bad image to the eyes of the crowd. Contrastingly, I don’t blame them. I remain hushed. I just let them extremely dislike me. (Go!) For those persons who got problems with me, I know that you have an ultimate reason to hate me and that is my attitude of being a so-called SNOB. But I tell you guys, if you had the chance to know me, you can say that there are thousands of things to love me even more.
Friends are special persons in one’s life. They can be the shoulders to lean on in times of problems. They can make you smile and cheer up. They are a great source of strength. But what if a mistake aroused and ruined everything? Who will suffer? Who will sacrifice? Can they understand each other? I will not give any pinch of details with regards to this. It’s confidential. What I want to put across now is just a simple striking line - PWEDENG AKO NAMAN ANG PAKINGGAN NINYO? Yes, I kept a secret not because I’m too selfish but because of not wanting to hurt anyone. And besides, I didn’t actually treat the involved in the secret as a BIG DEAL! (Tao lang din naman siya, boy!) I thought that it will just fade and so I kept it. Maybe, you’re too mad at me for I didn’t apologize for what happened. Is there a need? You know me, if I had done something wrong, I will sob and say sorry; but if I know that I have no mistakes, that ends it, no sorry, just forgive-and-forget’s. Anyways, I would like to thank one of my friends; you know who you are, for the comfort and pieces of advice. Sa dinami-dami natin, ikaw lang ang nakaintindi at nakinig sa kwento ko. Thank you so much! I will treasure you forever. For the rest, I still value our friendship and I hope that everything will be okay. Time can heal all wounds.
Having a special someone who can be a source of strength and comfort is the sweetest thing on a life of a teenager. Kilig moments, getting-to-know-each-other stuffs and sweet lines are normal. This is one of the best parts of being a teen. One that didn’t have any crush or blush in the cheeks because of “kakiligan” will consider his/her school days pale and boring. On my own, I don’t actually have a special friend. Many would exclaim (especially my peers) OWSSSS???!!! But it’s true, I don’t have. It’s not on my mind right now. I’m a busy person. I got a lot of things to do. I don’t have any time to be indulged with such relationships. And for me kasi, based from my past, I had gone on too much stabbing misery and until now, I don’t have the courage to move on. Tsaka, di naman ako nagmamadali eh. I believe na darating din ang right time.
After a tiring and embarrassing day at school, another problem will crop up when I got home, my family. I am always being scolded and my parents are always having a gap. I can’t dig their attitude. Diba most of the time, teens get some advice from their family? But in my case, that’s not possible.
See how bitter my life is. Di ko kilala ang salitang SWERTE. But I believe that although I don’t have anyone to comfort me, I have the big Guy up there in my heart who always dole out as my source of strength. I didn’t expose some hints about my life for shame or for others to pity me. I just want to serve as an inspiration. Many of us constantly complain for such things. Malas! Lagi na lang problema! Please, remain tough and aim high! Lilipas din ang lahat. A problem has its own solution. Like my high school teacher once told me “Hindi ka bibigyan ni God ng pagsubok na hindi mo kaya.” J
*included in Aurora 2010
