Bitter or Better?

Have you ever been crashed unto a bunch of trials? Have you experienced a past that you never expected to happen? Have you ever felt that you don’t have neither a family nor a friend to lean on? Being unto the impediments of life is a panorama that makes one debilitate and lose hope. Regrets may arise and dissatisfaction may front. Rage may conquer and revenge may slip on a previously conscientious mind. It’s not easy, it has never been easy.

Pardon me if I will write something that is so emotional. It is because right at this moment, I am writing with my heart and not with my mind. I have these hidden sentiments that I actually want to vanquish but I don’t think that it would be doable. I really am having a hard time to ponder on how I can solve my mind-boggling problems. I don’t have any valor to kick all the predicaments. I don’t have the magic to let them disappear. What I only have is a pen and pieces of paper that will help me boost all what’s inside of me which will be spared to all of you, dear readers.

With my 18 years of existence here in a not-so-good place in the universe, I am already used with shame, issues, pain, and degrading things. For me, a day with no criticisms, heartbreaking scenarios, or will-make-your-face-red stuff is an IMPOSSIBLE DAY. Every now and then, I bump into snobs, bad comments, misinterpretations, insecurities, haters, and serious problems. Well, it’s typical for me that’s why I just act so naïve. My whole persona had been fizzled with toughness. Hell, I don’t care about the flaws! Moreover, I’m not numb like what you are thinking right now. It’s just that, I don’t want to bug myself and worry. It sucks!

Here we go to the much-awaited spice of this article. Okay, this will be all it takes. I will leave some awful comments but there are no names that will be alleged on. Forgive me guys; writing is my only way to defend myself against all the persons who abased me. And oh, by the way, as what I am saying, there will be no names, so you don’t need to exaggeratedly react. If you do, then it might be a peccadillo that will make you superbly culpable…

Wearing a smile all throughout the day is a task (Task kasi lagi na lang talagang pinapagawa sakin!) that I can’t bring about. People are always asking me to smile all the time (for Ms. Congeniality???!!!). Also, there were times that some will sulk if I didn’t greet them. They told others that I am a so-staid snob. It’s alright with my part because I do really know that there are times that I don’t look at the face of some people when I encounter them not because of being snobby but because of being too timid. Conversely, it’s different when I caught someone smiling at me or at least greets me. For sure, I will return a big smile. I will not ignore him/her. (Kapag nakita ko ah, inuulit ko, kapag nakita ko.) However, people are people. They are rational, intelligent, and sometimes judgmental to the extent that they can hurt someone. Like in my case, I have always been misinterpreted by a lot. I would like to apologize (though I don’t know my mistake) but I lose the will to do it because of being belittled. MAPAGMALAKI… ISNABERA… MASUNGIT… MAYABANG… These are some of the descriptions of people when they hear my name. The worst part is, they even tell their false impressions to others. As a result, I have a bad image to the eyes of the crowd. Contrastingly, I don’t blame them. I remain hushed. I just let them extremely dislike me. (Go!) For those persons who got problems with me, I know that you have an ultimate reason to hate me and that is my attitude of being a so-called SNOB. But I tell you guys, if you had the chance to know me, you can say that there are thousands of things to love me even more.

Friends are special persons in one’s life. They can be the shoulders to lean on in times of problems. They can make you smile and cheer up. They are a great source of strength. But what if a mistake aroused and ruined everything? Who will suffer? Who will sacrifice? Can they understand each other? I will not give any pinch of details with regards to this. It’s confidential. What I want to put across now is just a simple striking line - PWEDENG AKO NAMAN ANG PAKINGGAN NINYO? Yes, I kept a secret not because I’m too selfish but because of not wanting to hurt anyone. And besides, I didn’t actually treat the involved in the secret as a BIG DEAL! (Tao lang din naman siya, boy!) I thought that it will just fade and so I kept it. Maybe, you’re too mad at me for I didn’t apologize for what happened. Is there a need? You know me, if I had done something wrong, I will sob and say sorry; but if I know that I have no mistakes, that ends it, no sorry, just forgive-and-forget’s. Anyways, I would like to thank one of my friends; you know who you are, for the comfort and pieces of advice. Sa dinami-dami natin, ikaw lang ang nakaintindi at nakinig sa kwento ko. Thank you so much! I will treasure you forever. For the rest, I still value our friendship and I hope that everything will be okay. Time can heal all wounds.

Having a special someone who can be a source of strength and comfort is the sweetest thing on a life of a teenager. Kilig moments, getting-to-know-each-other stuffs and sweet lines are normal. This is one of the best parts of being a teen. One that didn’t have any crush or blush in the cheeks because of “kakiligan” will consider his/her school days pale and boring. On my own, I don’t actually have a special friend. Many would exclaim (especially my peers) OWSSSS???!!! But it’s true, I don’t have. It’s not on my mind right now. I’m a busy person. I got a lot of things to do. I don’t have any time to be indulged with such relationships. And for me kasi, based from my past, I had gone on too much stabbing misery and until now, I don’t have the courage to move on. Tsaka, di naman ako nagmamadali eh. I believe na darating din ang right time.

After a tiring and embarrassing day at school, another problem will crop up when I got home, my family. I am always being scolded and my parents are always having a gap. I can’t dig their attitude. Diba most of the time, teens get some advice from their family? But in my case, that’s not possible.

See how bitter my life is. Di ko kilala ang salitang SWERTE. But I believe that although I don’t have anyone to comfort me, I have the big Guy up there in my heart who always dole out as my source of strength. I didn’t expose some hints about my life for shame or for others to pity me. I just want to serve as an inspiration. Many of us constantly complain for such things. Malas! Lagi na lang problema! Please, remain tough and aim high! Lilipas din ang lahat. A problem has its own solution. Like my high school teacher once told me “Hindi ka bibigyan ni God ng pagsubok na hindi mo kaya.” J

*included in Aurora 2010

As I Bid My Last Goodbye…

To the one I loved the most,

Love folded us mutually when we first met each other. Cupid’s potion didn’t work because affirmation struck us rapidly; caressing every emotion we felt. Gladness was stirred in our face when our gleaming eyes stared with each other. Secretly inside myself, I was feeling that your fragrant scent made the moment more romantic and casting. And your smile; oh yes, your smile! It is the only one which made my heart thumped and exclaimed I’M IN LOVE!

For the first few months of our relationship, it was so breathtaking. We had no big problems. We didn’t hate each other’s flaws. We didn’t get mad. We understand all. What we only believed were the ideas of forever and destiny. What we only knew was we’re in love, we were deeply in love. But as time moved hastily, predicaments arose. Thorns breached the tie that kept us together. You’d changed. I asked you “What’s the matter?” and you simply answered “I just need some space.” I came down and pondered… SPACE? Is there a need? Why? I can’t get it. Why in our perfect relationship? What in this world would make you beg for space? NO! It’s a big NO. I love you and I will never let you go.

I exerted a lot of effort just to please you. I did everything. I gave what you want but hell, yes; I didn’t give your ultimate wish – space. It’s because I love you so much that it makes me weak whenever I etch on my mind that I have to release you, to set you free. Don’t get me wrong. I know love is not selfish. But hey babe, you are my life. You are the reason why I am contented. You are my happiness. However, it seems that this won’t work anymore. So for now, here I am, giving you a message to be kept… THANK YOU, SORRY, and GOODBYE…

THANK YOU. Thank you for the moments we cherished. You had been a good partner to me. You taught me how to accept life’s ups and downs. Thank you for accompanying me on a part of my journey; believing in me; and loving me unconditionally with all the best you can. I will always have down pat our reminiscences, the time we spent together.

SORRY. Sorry for being so numb about your aims. Sorry about my imperfections. Sorry for all the painstaking stuff you experienced when we still were. I also am sorry about my selfish acts. I just don’t want to lose you but nah, it’s now the time to hold out my last goodbye…

LAST GOODBYE. Yes, last goodbye. Why last? It is because I was always telling this word to you but I was also the one reappearing in your life. Sounds funny, isn’t it? Goodbye’s not forever as they might say. But today, it is different. It really is.

Goodbye babe. I will miss you. I wish you’ll have a finer life without me. You deserve someone better. As you continue to move, just stand tall. Walk throughout the midst of life and when you forsake and fail, don’t look back; I am nowhere. Keep your feet on the ground. I might not be there when you need me but I promise, you will always be in my heart.

Always,

Me ♥

(Idea is based from a friend’s love story, 06-14-10, 6:05 pm)

Sweet-sweetan

1, 2, 3 teardrops and my heart exclaimed I NEED TO WRITE!

Bakit kailangan kong masaktan sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat? Bakit kailangan kong umiyak sa isang taong hindi naman ako kayang pahalagahan? Bakit hindi ko kayang bumitaw kahit alam kong hindi pwede, hindi na talaga pwede.

Hindi sa nagpapaka-emo ako ngayon pero pasensiya na hindi ko na kayang itago to. Ang sakit eh, sobra. Yung tipong, you can’t even count your tears because of a grunting pain. Yes, I’m crying right now (thanks sadness for giving me the heap to write an article) and it sounds really baduuuyy but we need to face the fact that all of us experience heartbreaking memories. Something very stabbing is happening to me right now. Full of regrets. Full of sorrow. He ruined everything; I lost everything. Shame on me, why did I let this happen.

Hindi ito tungkol sa break-up pero a GUY is involved. Kung tungkol sa flirtation sa tingin mo to, well, opinion mo yan. Speaking of flirtation, uso na ba talaga ngayon ang It’s Complicated? M.U’s? We’re just sweet? More than friends but less than lovers? Ganito na ba talaga ang ikot ng “PAG-IBIG” sa kabataan ngayon? Eh pano yun pag may na-fall na, may nain-love na? Anong kahihinatnan? Aamin ba? O pipilitin na lang itago ang nararamdaman because of pride, fear of rejection, and loss of friendship? Isipin mo. Ang hirap di ba?

Hot and cold. Nag-vibrate ang phone mo, may message from him. May nagpop-up sa FB chatbox, ayon, nangungulit na naman siya. BUZZ! Sabi sa YM mo, online na siya. Nakakakilig di ba? Yung tipong pakiramdam mo, miss na miss ka na niya, oras-oras ka niyang naiisip, hindi siya mapalagay pag wala kayong communication sa loob ng isang araw. Ang sweet! “I miss you, mwah, that’s what I feel for you, san ka? Puntahan kita, seryoso ako…” Lahat na yata ng strategy para tumalon ang puso mo eh gagawin niya. Ang tanong, hanggang kailan kaya? Hmmmm… 1 month, 3… 4.. 6… umabot sa puntong ang lamig na niya sayo. Di na ganong nakakaalala. Nagtampo ka, anong sinabi niya? “Busy lang ako” Eh, ikaw naman tong si masyadong mapagmahal, naniwala naman! Hindi mo lang alam, may bago na siyang binibiktima ng mga matatamis na linya niya. Eto pa, wala raw siyang ka-chat pero naka-online siya. Nagtampo ka na naman, anong sabi niya? “Farmville lang.” Oh not again! Naniwala ka na naman. Sus, if I know, nagha-harvest siya ng mga lolokohin niya. Isa pa, ininvite mo siyang sumama sa inyo ng barkada mo, take note, on weekend, ano na naman ang sabi niya? “Hindi ako pwede, may pasok ako.” May pasok??? Baka may date! Hell, be realistic naman dude!

Ano kayang dahilan kung bakit COLD na? Pakipot ka siguro girl, ayon naghanap ng iba. O baka nagsawa na? “Iba naman” sabi ng isip niya. Back to being pakipot, wala namang masama dun. Hindi porke’t siya na ang pinakagwapong nakilala mo sa buong buhay mo eh GO! ka na. Babae ka noh! You need to be pleased. (All right, sorry guys, matamaan ang matamaan.) Tsaka isa pa, malalaman mo lang na seryoso talaga siya pag nagtiyaga siya sa kakahintay sayo.

Okay, enough na muna sa evil, kasumpa-sumpa na. Magbigay na lang kaya ako ng advice? Oo, tama. (I’m always giving pieces of advice through my writings pero sarili ko hindi ko matama.) Beware! Madami nang nafo-fall sa mga sweet-sweetan ngayon. Sa una masaya, kilig to the bones pero huwag ka, pwedeng hindi maging happy ending ang istorya. Kaya, here are my tips! Hehe!

Huwag mong i-silent mode phone mo, vibrate, or beep pag nasa bahay ka. LOUD dapat! LOUD! Bakit? Eh kasi pag naka-silent, titignan mo lang ng titignan yung phone mo, feeling mo nagtext siya. May text ba? Wala! Lagyan mo ng message alert tone para hindi ka umaasa.

Don’t view his social site profile. Mamaya emo ka na naman! Mahu-hurt ka lang pag may bago siyang friends sa list niya o nag-comment siya sa status ng iba.

Don’t text him. Pride! Pride! Kahit forwarded message huwag! Alam mo, kahit milyun-milyong quotes ang ipasa mo sa kanya, kung ayaw ka niyang i-text, ayaw niya talaga. Okay?

Entertain others. Huwag mo siyang gawing sentro ng buhay mo. Marami diyan. Huwag kang mag-reject ng iba; kung ayaw mo sila at siya lang talaga ang gusto mo, okay lang yan. PERO! Wag mong hahayaang tuluyang umikot ang buhay mo sa kanya.

Pretend. Bawal ipahalatang l-o-v-e mo siya lalo na kung binabalewala ka lang niya. Ouch yun, te! Sobra!

Lastly, JUST FOLLOW YOUR HEART. I don’t ask you to go after my advice. Pawang kalokohan lang yun dahil nauna ang ANGST. It’s still your choice, your decision. Kung alam mong kaya mo pa, go! Be it! But once you cried because of an unofficial magulong usapang relationship, hindi na tama. Move on girl; you deserve to be happy.

“Uso ngayon, sweet-sweetan; unang ma-in-love, talo!” – FB Fan page

(*Inspired by a story of a friend, 05-01-10, 09:55 pm)

High School Drama

Last night, I was totally bored and so I just looked for some pocketbooks in my room. As I was searching some, I saw my high school slum or slam book? I had searched about it on Google and answers.com and both words are accepted so it’s up to you to choose. Okay, back to the main point, as what I am saying, I found my HS slam book and well, take a guess; I opened it, lied on my bed, and started reading. I was laughing because the first few pages are with regards to my self-made intro about my persona; the words, the sentence construction, the fonts; oh sticky keys! And yes, the spelling, I was so fortunate that Jejemons were not popular at that time because if it is, I would be considered as one of them. Haha!

The next part of my slam book is the space for dedications. When I saw my friends’ messages to me at that time, I can’t help but to cry. I love their messages and yeah, I simply miss them; sigh, so much. Here are some of the striking quotes they put that I actually want to share to inspire everyone.

· “We just want to remind you that life is not full of good and beautiful things. Sometimes we experience problems and sorrows. Just remember those problems are from God, just take them as lessons in life.”

· “What you have today might not be there tomorrow but surely it will leave a mark.”

· “Never be the perfect one, always be the right one.”

· “Kapag sinunod mo ang utak magiging uncontented ang puso, kapag sinunod mo ang puso masasaktan ka. Try mong pagsabayin you will see a great result.”

Nice isn’t it? But the next quotes are I consider as the most thumping!

· “Advice? Brain nakalagay sa taas ng katawan. Puso sa gitna, dapat gamitin ang utak kasi mas mataas siya kesa puso. Wag padala sa heart… Love will just come along; you can’t predict it to come and you can’t predict it to have.”

· “Loving someone doesn’t mean your life will be happy ever after… that’s stupidity. You can’t guarantee that you will have a happy ending.”

· “Life? Que sera, sera!! Whatever will be, will be!!”

· “Life is just a path to good or evil. It’s just a matter of choice.”

· “I’m not genius, I just acquire many knowledge.”

· “History repeated itself; try to analyze this one. Whatever happens from the past, leave it all but be sure that you have learned something from it.”

· “Life without love is not life at all. We only have a very limited time to spend our life. So let us make the most out of it!”

· “It takes a million years to establish a good reputation. But it will only take an hour to ruin it.”

· “You cannot please everybody; but let them see your actions.”

And the winner is…

· “I’m not righteous Dianne, pwede isa lang masasabi ko sayo, just be strong anak! Prove to them that you can stand tall and be proud coz’ you try to build a new YOU…”

I hope that these quotes have stirred your wit and heart. Just like what these quotes commonly point out, life is just a matter of choice. However, you need wisdom and compassion to equate the clauses in order to gain a satisfying upshot. J

EDSA: A Failure?

Year 1986, the year where history embarked significance to one’s minds that had touched the lives and inspired the silent echoes of people who were afraid to stand and speak for the whole nation. On the given year, the citizens of the Philippines engaged to a traumatic and frightening situation. Each Filipino intertwined with each other to solve the most critical crisis of the homeland, HUNGER FOR DEMOCRACY.

It’s one o’clock in the afternoon and our section was ready to listen for the next discussion. I, personally, really like the subject because of three reasons; the topics, classmates, and teacher. First, the topics are about social issues that’s why the field is really interesting. Second, when this is the subject, my classmates are all listening and jolly. Last but not the least; it’s mainly because of the instructor. She has very good teaching strategies that can make every person in the class participate in the discussion. She’s the reason why I made this article. How? As what I am saying, we had a discussion and on that day a sentimental line from my teacher struck me most. “Masaya ang pag-gunita sa EDSA 1 dahil walang klase?” Something like that. She scowled with this line for 2 days before it, it was a non-working holiday for the reminiscence of EDSA. I saw in her eyes the sincerity and passion she had on our history. I mean, yes, there are witty terror teachers that have copious tags on their names like MaEd, MD, MSN, MAN, Ph.D. but despite of those, do most of them have the burning advocacy to their profession? to the way they implement and teach students with a heart never minding the effort and pain they take? and mostly, to the mastery of the matter unto the extent that they almost feel it? OA ba? No! A teacher should be a teacher. He should know what he will instill unto the innocent minds of the students. He should understand himself the concepts of his chosen pasture for better implication. Kung wala sa puso niya ang mga itinuturo niya, well, ang pangunahing goal niya lang ay ang magsalita sa inyong harapan at hindi para hubugin at buksan ang inyong mga kamalayan na isapuso ang lahat ng ibinabahagi niya. In short, magsasalita siya, bahala ka.

Back to the main point. I believe that most of us are not already humans when EDSA 1 reached the blasting façade of history. However, we had a subject integrating this issue when we were still in our Basic Ed. days. Way back then, most of the students were anointed to remember important details about it. So for that reason, I can conclude that most of us are aware regarding this event. Let us take a pinch to this remarkable sitch jumbled with my own points of view.

· *Miraculous valor

In the midst of Marcos’ dictatorship, one man stood up and had the bravery to speak up for his entire fellowmen. By no means of thinking about the consequences he might encounter, he still jumped into the highest peak of typifying the need for CHANGE. Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino II made an impact to every Filipino’s heart. He’s the ultimate reason why one eradicated cowardice and selfishness for the advantage of the whole. He’s not just a symbol of unity but a hero with dignity. He even gambled his life and venture.

Courage is something that a person could hardly have especially if the fruit will be scathing ructions. But as shown by Ninoy, bravery is not impossible to have no matter how appalling the situation is. If he didn’t confer initiative, most of us will still have tight zips on the mouth stocking all our sentiments inside.

· *Austere upheaval

Anything that would interfere or disrupt someone’s reputation will eventually fall to an uproar. Ideas and perceptions of the degraded party will scat from bitterness to confusion reaching growling revenges. These things were incriminated during the angst between Marcos and Aquino. As we know, Aquino died and that’s the beginning of the smoldering love of Filipinos to the motherland.

“Cory Aquino is the mother of the yellow people” was one of the answers in the Speak Out column of the previous issues asking about Cory, the humble housewife of Ninoy. The answer is actually surprising but getting the real essence of it would be the way to understand what it really wants to tell. Literally, it is not tickling to the ears. In fact, on such courses like nursing, they can exclaim “Jaundice ba ito?” after hearing that line. Digging deeper, I believe that there is something nice about the line. YELLOW is the symbol of EDSA 1. This color surmounted almost all the corners of the place where People Power was held. Someone once told me that yellow or yellow ribbon is used by Cory because of the song Tie a Yellow Ribbon which was their favorite song of Ninoy and was popular at that time. Is it just about it? Correlating with the speak out, there are two possible interpretations I have in my wit. First, it is about the impact of EDSA 1 not only to the people living at those times but up to now. It is nice to know that one would always etch on his mind something, although little, about this extraordinary scenario in the Philippines. Next, and probably the last, yellow is a color that is so bright. This brightness flowed into the hearts of the populace to fight for sovereignty. They were enlightened. They had this light or brightness because of a common goal, DEMOCRACY. At this point, I suddenly remembered the work of Emilio Jacinto entitled Ang Ningning at ang Liwanag. He stated that sparks or glitters are far different from light. The glitters are something that can spellbind you. They appear good to the eyes but they can actually hurt you especially when there would be an immediate ostentation of that thing. Like the Marcoses at that time, they appeared helpful and generous because they were the leaders providing all the necessary needs of everyone. However, the other side of them was the aggravating motive to rule and make each a slave under their power. On the other hand, the light, according to the essay, is only a simple stuff. No shimmering effects; no attractive pieces. Plain and pure. Just like what Cory and her supporters had, they were enlightened not because of aiming for a prestige, award or cash but to fight for the thirst of freedom experienced by the whole republic.

· *Newfangled youth

Today, as our generation is becoming more and more exploratory, we should not forget the deeds and heroic acts on the past. If these things had not been into the history, well, there are too many imperfections in our country today. It is not enough to make special events in the past as simple non-working holidays. We should know how to value these things like how our heroes valued our race. I know, as a student like you, I am pleased whenever there is no class for I can rest and sleep for a short time. We can’t blame ourselves for we have hectic schedules and stressful study habits yet we should know how to appreciate the happenings in the old times.

The National Election is fast approaching. For those who can vote, do you already have a decision on whom you will let sit on the throne? Be wise. Use your heart and mind. Don’t let history repeats itself once again. EDSA 1, 2... after how many EDSA’s will be jiving on before achieving a peaceful realm? Make your votes the definitive answer for the longing goal of everyone; furtherance, freedom, and peace.

So now, is EDSA a failure?

Think.

Thrive.

Outshine.

“The Filipinos are worth dying for…”- Benigno Ninoy Aquino II

Deal With The Flaws

Loving someone who can’t love you back is an intricate reality that one must accept. Pain and despondency will surmount. This predicament will never be easy. Facing it will crop up to two choices – stanchly fight for your feelings or it could be on the other way around, appreciate the flaws and let go.

I was all alone when I first stepped on college. Strange feelings overwhelmed me. There were different kinds of students; posh, emo, dweeb, etc. I didn’t know whom should I befriend. Walking alongside the corridors while taking a look at the tall buildings of the institution, I suddenly bumped at a tall handsome guy. “Sorry” was all I uttered. “It’s alright” was all he replied. He helped me pick up my things that fell on the floor. After that, he smiled and left. I blushed. I was totally “kinilig” in lay man’s term. I wanted to have a small chit-chat with him. I wanted to know more about him but I couldn’t; I was just a newbie in the school community.

Day by day, I always looked forward to see him at school. His smile made me feel happy and enlightened right through the day. I had this feeling that I craved to boost out; to confess. I didn’t even know his name already but I fell in love with him. It’s asinine and absurd; yes it is. Many would say that it’s just a sheer crush or infatuation, but I really loved the way it was.

God will always make a way. After clusters of heartfelt prayers, the Almighty Father twisted our destiny. Our paths interlaced, eradicating the clichés we might stumble upon. Chances flowed in my extremely waiting heart. Expectations prevailed and bashed on my wit. THIS IS THE TIME, I told myself. We became acquaintances because of a cool nonchalant club at school. We had the chance to know each other for a while. I thought that he was one of those “campus crush” types of guys who just steal girls’ hearts away and leave. I was wrong. He’s a total boy-next-door with not just good looks but a kind heart. Luckily, we had reached the level of true friendship to M.U.’s.

A rhythmic tone sounded out on my cellular phone. I hurriedly got it to look for the message because I knew that it was from him. I checked it on and the message stated “Tigilan mo bf ko! Feeler!” Fretfulness branched out over my whole body. Tears rolled on my eyes; I started to cry. My mind can’t decide about the next thing I will indulge. Is this text message really from his girlfriend? Should I reply? Do I need to believe? Barbs came hacking on my broken heart. I can’t handle the fact that fate was so ruthless.

Mesmerizing what we had while reading the letter he dropped on my locker is the most piercing situation I ever experienced. I know I still have feelings for him. I’m not yet over him. But somehow, I should stop this mess for some reasons like It-has-never-been-official stuff and because of the lines he jotted on this letter I’m holding right now…

“Hey! I’m so sorry if my girlfriend had been so mean to you. I hope that you could understand the sitch. I’m sorry for all of the painstaking stuff you had. It’s my fault. However, I want you to realize that FRIENDSHIP is all that we had. You’d been a very good friend to me and that’s it! We never had any intimate moments. Again, I’m so sorry. Sorry for not loving you back.”

Dealing with the flaws of life is difficult. Understanding and acceptance are the keys. In my situation, I know that I made the right decision, GAVE-UP and LET GO; for I believe that’s the best way to be contented and to wipe out all the pain away is to grasp the reality that I can’t have all that I want. It’s true that often, in true-to-life stories, there are no happy endings. On the other hand, we just need to be grateful for everything – the ups and downs of life to have fulfillment and say “This is not my time but I believe that the Guy up there will give me more than I ever wanted very soon.”

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."
— Marilyn Monroe

A Letter: Longing For Your Love Again

Time is so hasty. I didn’t recognize that it has been craggily 2 years since we decided to end our relationship. At that time, we both cried. The angst of bitterness flew on the hazy devotion of heartaches. The waves floated unto our weak knees, annihilating every piece of our remarkable love… yes, remarkable love.

I remember the days when I was with you. From strangers to friends; friends to best friends; best friends to lovers and then sadly, from lovers to null stuff. I remember everything about you, about us. Your smile, your voice, your attitude… Whenever I had a problem, you patted my shoulder and insisted “Okay lang yan. Nandito pa naman ako.” You were always there for me. You were my crying shoulder to lean on. You held my hand through bliss and darkness.

The sweetest moment came when you asked me if you could be my suitor. I was shocked. I shivered. I blushed. I didn’t expect it. And so, I gave you the permission. You tried your best to have my YES.

“YES.” After I had been answered your courtship, your eyes glittered in happiness. You were so pleased to have me. You hugged me so tight. Butterflies suddenly stroke my stomach. I didn’t know what will be the next step you will indulge. Then, you kissed me in the lips. My heart jumped and the cold breeze caressed my face. You then whispered in my ears, “Baby, now and forever, I will be your man.”

We had a great relationship. You wore different masks that made me love you even more. You’re my best friend; a someone whom I can share secrets with; a someone who let me shouted how unfair world is in times of hindrances. You were my “kuya”. You listened very well to my sentiments. You changed my childish acts to a mature one. You’re an ultimate witty joker. Although I frowned, you showed off a face of a clown to make me smile. You’re my only crush. I got so weak when you stare at me. Every time somebody mentions your name, I quivered. And when you teased me, it was so annoying but I didn’t get mad; I was actually craving for more. You were my special someone. I had sweet and intimate moments because of you. My life glistened every time I sit on your lap. You held me so close. I didn’t want to lose you. You’re my one and only.

“Sorry, please give me a chance.” Sometimes, when we are already enjoying what we have, fate could be so harsh. In our case, a tremendous obstacle grunted on our path. I didn’t give you a chance to explain because I was hurt. They told me to forgive you. They told me that you really were serious to love me forever, but I doubted it. All that was on my mind is you were like those typical guys who were often referred as “manloloko.”

You kneeled and begged me to forgive you. I said NO. You brought me a bouquet of flowers; I threw it. You sang me a song but I pushed you away. You tried your luck to win me again; however, I didn’t give you the key. I knew I still love you but the anger was still radiating throughout my body. One time, you gave up. You left me with no signs. I cried. I was wrong, I thought. But I can’t bring you back in my arms.

Being alone now in this corner of an empty room, full of sorrow, leaching with disappointments, I realize I still love you. I want to have you again. If I could turn back the time, I would not let you go; I would forgive you. Baby, I really am sorry. I know, life isn’t a fairytale, but if it is, I would runaway with YOU…