Last Day of September

It's that time again. The time where I feel I am on the downward fall of negativity. Whirling emotions are enveloping my whole persona, my entire world. I don't know what to think of. I am tired. I am hopeless. I want to shout. I want to cry. I'm at my lamest but still, I'm alive...

While traveling with my headset on playing motivational songs and with my eyes staring nowhere, I can't help but to feel sad and depressed. My mind is on the repeat mode of playing all the unpleasant baggage I have. Maybe it's just because I'm so bone-weary. Maybe it's because of my hormones. Maybe because I'm expecting too much about my future life. Maybe because I'm sleepless. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm already fed up with all the dirty lies and b*llsh**s of people.

I am fond of labeling myself as vulnerable but tough. I am indestructible. Geez, with all the things I've been through, I know I am a survivor. From physical abuse to bullying; from car accident to overdosage; from life threatening hospitalizations to nodes (Thank God! T'was a misdiagnosis!), from perfectionist parents to broken family (Almost! But we did it! We're still complete!); from being broken due to stupid boys to being single for long years; who wouldn't say that I am not a supergirl? I'm telling you, it's not that easy. I even came to the point where I thought that I have no one except God.

So what's the point of crying right now? Like what I've said, I really don't know the exact reason why. Demotivated perhaps. I want to know my purpose. I want to know the real meaning of life. Well not the type of getting to Alaska and have some wild adventure nor travel through the three I's, India, Indonesia, and Italy like what Elizabeth Gilbert did after her divorce. I just want to be destined to happiness. It sounds really melodramatic. It is. It is my fault why I'm feeling this way. I have chosen this fate. However, I want to get out of it. I want to be free. There will be a point in your life wherein you will realize that the dream you're longing for is a piece of mess that will eventually tell you to stop. Sometimes, the stuff that you think that is good for you is actually something that will harm you. You can't feel it at first because you're too blinded with the glitters it shows.

Oh well, too much drama. I would like to cut this off by merely saying my last words for this entry... Ladies and gentlemen, I maybe used for becoming a forever hyphenated yes person, criticized, bullied, or pulled down by crabs, hypocrites, snakes, serpents, backstabbers, or traitors through different ways by different faces but STILL I exist. I'm still here. No matter how big the stone you'll throw at me, I will just give you a flying kiss. I know God put me on this stage for a reason. I may feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually stressed at this stage in my life but trust me, I will be okay.

So for those who are experiencing the same sitch, just hold your head up. Oops, that's not the first step! Verbalize everything to your friend, parents, or through the most perfect way, to our Almighty God. Go put your palms together and kneel. You might feel crippled because of too much dilemmas but remember, God will not give you something you can't handle. Moreso, if you want a thing that is too hard to get, like in my case, take the time to relax. As most of the people nowadays say, good things come to those who wait. If you can't wait, then go get your arse off and work for it! xx

Photo: Yours truly! ü Follow me on Instagram and Twitter! @diannecsalazar

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