In Need Of Big Help

I was so excited to go on duty last night. I even posted a status on FB about my persona of being addicted to my work. I didn't know why but I was really excited to wear my scrubs, have my rounds, and be a nurse for 12 hours! I came on our station like 40 minutes before the handoff time. I received the different pieces of information regarding my patients as early as I was in our workplace. I had my rounds at exactly 6:30 in the evening. I had a great time. But why why why why on this Earth, should I need to stay more than two hours from my span of work. I went home late again for 2 & 1/2 hours (well, it's more acceptable now than my previous check out of more than 4 hours beyond my working hours). It's quite terrible because I can't understand. I was always like this for about 4 months already and I'm starting to feel that the dedication I have is momentously slipping away from me because of too much tiredness and stress. I can't blame my job of being a nurse for experiencing these things. I hate myself. I don't understand why I always stay late, why I need to be OC and paranoid at times. They said that you're incompetent if you can't finish a task within a given time. It's like having no answers for the timed written exam your teacher formulated during your school years. But how? I was always trying my best but I don't fvckin' know. I don't know the problem. I don't understand. Help me.

Euphoria

Twinkling, twinkling... A little girl is shining on her own galaxy of happiness. Glazing crystals cover her... A horizon of colors dearly hugs her... She is there, dancing in the Milky Way of self-confidence.

She's not in love.

She's not rich.

She's away from home.

Euphoria... How... Why...

Soon.

Little Miss Independent

It's almost one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm still on my bed. I'm still embracing my pillows, thinking of how I can manage to stand up and face my everyday battle. Big thoughts are in my head, almost giving me headache. I've got a lot of stuff to reflect on. Okay, I know, I'm a balderdash. With tons of pounding things circling on my head, I can't even prioritize on which one I should focus.

My life is routinary. I wake up everyday depending on my schedule. I always wake up more than 2.5 hours before my expected time of arrival at my workplace because I move too slow. I have many rituals. At the very moment I open my eyes, I'll hold my rosary and start praying, thanking God for giving me another day to cherish. After that, I'll start preparing. The heat of the iron while I press my scrub suit with the letters RN on the left part almost makes me get forty winks again. Hang them. Go to the fridge and check on something for breakfast. Put some cereals on a bowl. Look for my tackle box. There, I still have my favorite brand of coffee. Turn on the heater. Wait, wait. Done. Pour some hot water in my favorite cup which has a quotation of "Keep calm and dream on." Mix, mix. Voila! Coffee and cereals for breakfast! While munching on my cereals, I face my iPad. Scroll, scroll. Tweet "Good morning!" Scroll, scroll. Check new Instagram photos. Scroll, scroll. Fvck! Do they really need to post something icky and duh, nonsense stuff on Facebook? Scroll, scroll. Hit the Youtube page. Select the audio vid of We Can't Stop by Miley Cyrus. "Forget the haters coz somebody loves ya..." Give a fast tap on my phone. Geez!!! I have to take a bath already. Rush, rush. Ooh, the water is so cold I wanna take a bath forever. Dress up. Put on makeup because we are required to do so. A light makeup will work. It's awkward to look pale when facing patients. There you go! All set and ready for another duty as a NURSE.

So I'm still stuck on my bed. I'm too lazy to get up. As I've said, I have a lot of things to ponder on, questions to answer. What am I gonna eat for dinner later? When will I start doing the laundry again? How many hours of sleep will I get? When will be my next duty? Can I have a double off next cutoff? When will I see my family? My friends? How should I decide for my next derma appointment? When will I start enrolling myself to a yoga class because my scoliosis is getting worse based from my judgment! How can I budget my monthly income for my monthly dues? Can I still manage to be a MAN student at my university of choice?

My life when I was at my hometown was so simple. Upon waking up, breakfast was set already. After eating, I had the chance to be a couch potato. I didn't have to worry about the laundry. I didn't have to worry about budgeting. I had all the time in the world to mingle with my friends and family. I wasn't this tired. I had long hours of sleep except for the moments I had for burning brows, of course.

I LOVE MY LIFE THEN AND NOW. It's actually hard to adjust and to work my arse off but it's superbly okay. I've achieved one of my greatest dreams. Despite the long walks (Well, I'm allowed to ride on shuttles now.), chores, endless budgeting, homesickness, sleepless nights; when I see those big letters on the hospital where I work, I can't help but to smile and thank the Lord for pushing me this far. I still have that burning passion and I won't let the flame turn to dust. It's a promise.

Seriously, I'm so proud of myself. No, I'm not bragging. I'm proud of being independent. At first, I thought I couldn't make it. Look at me now!

Oh, well. Thank you for reading this rubbish post. I just hope I inspired you to strive on no matter how hard it will be to achieve your greatest dream. Just pray hard and embrace all the trials. You're bigger than the tests if you have God in your heart. Anyways, I'm gonna bid my bye now for I will catch some Zs again. It will be my first graveyard duty later and I'm so excited. Cheerio! Much love! 💋

Sometimes I Feel Like Marilyn Monroe

Twisting paths between being a young lady with a tough personality and a little girl with vulnerability, I feel like Marilyn Monroe sometimes. Inspired by the song Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj, tonight, alone at the beach, gazing at the dark sky and the calm waves of the sea, I will create something that will encircle what I know about a tough personality.

Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. She should be loved and respected despite the flaws she has in her niche.

💬 "I CAN BE SELFISH YET SO IMPATIENT."
⭐ Selfishness is a sin yet sometimes it's a good thing to ponder especially when you can't deal anymore with the cruel acts of someone. Whirling emotions, there are times that you need to love yourself first. Stop letting yourself be crashed by anyone. You build your own happiness. It's your choice. Yes, I know that kindness is a great thing. However, being fixated to this stuff make someone abusive. They will abuse your nice personality. Don't let them beat you. You're always thinking of them but are they thinking about you?
⭐ Impatience is a big no. If you really want something, you should wait for it. However, what if it really is not for you? Back off. If you already gave your best but it's not noticed at all, stand up! Try pointing your direction to another way!

💬 "I'M INSECURE. I MAKE MISTAKES. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE END OF THE ROAD."
⭐ We all have flaws. All of us have blots. We hit the wrong ones. We feel like we're pounded. These are all normal. Face everything. Life is not that everyday-happy-ending thing. When you feel like someone's or something's knocking you down, try to uplift yourself. Mistakes are inevitable but you can do something about it. Wake up! Improve yourself! Forget about it! You're not the only person who experience it.

💬 "IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY WORST, YOU AIN'T GETTING MY BEST."
⭐ I don't know if I'm narcissistic but a lot of people buzzed that I'm an old-school-good-girl type of person. But hey! I have my worst side too! Too bad they can't understand it. What can I say? Whatever. Talk that talk. I'm what I am right now. You might judge me but I won't care! What you see is what you get.

💬 "I CAN GET HIGH LIKE I COULD NEVER COME DOWN. I CAN GET LOW. DON'T KNOW WHICH WAYS UP."
⭐ I am a woman with big dreams in life. My dreams are as high as the heaven. I'll take every inch, step, or risk just to reach it. No barrels can outweigh me. Contrastingly, I know that life is a bit shattered sometimes. Like me, most girls can encounter a lot of disparagements. It's inevitable. Nevertheless, I believe that whether we're at the top or at the bottom stake, each of us should remain simple and humble. Humility is a great thing to preserve your intact shred of integrity.

💬 "TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME, I'LL NEVER BE PERFECT. BELIEVE ME I'M WORTH IT."
⭐ One will hardly understand me. (I suppose) But I know that deep down on somebody's veins, there's something tickling there that will love every single thing about me. I'm not perfect and I will never be. Nobody's perfect, anyways. On the contrary, with my strong conviction, I believe that people will accept me as the way I am. Someday, pressures will bunch out. Someday, expectations will fall. Someday, disparagements will burn. If these things won't happen, it's alright. After all, I'm living and surviving for my life and not for people who keep on eyeing me.

For the closure, I want a smart striking paragraph.

Too bad. Those people who know less about you are the ones who boastfully claim some stories that might destroy your reputation. Oh well, that's life. Just keep your chin up, beautiful. As long as you have God in your heart, no one can hurt you. They might screw your name but they can never destroy your soul. Let them talk and talk. Good vibes!

First Love

He used to call me his angel and I proved that I was.

2 years, 26 days, 7 hours – the time frame when I loved someone unconditionally. Those memories, oh sweet terrible memories… lingered in my mind, caught my soul, and buried my heart.

I remember the time when I first fell in love. Everything was so magical. I believed in fairy tales. He was actually my knight in a shining armor. Those eyes… his gleaming eyes pounded my weak knees. I felt the throbbing of my heart. And his words… oh yes, his words, I felt the sincerity of his honey-tongued lines.

Too drastic, too melodramatic. Cruel things happened but I didn’t surrender. I realized he was not my dream man but I didn’t give up because I love him so much. He’s a player. He’s a liar. He didn’t have any plans in life. He chase after other girls. He was always drunk. He got no effort. But what made me stay? It’s because he didn’t let a day pass without showing that I was so dear important in his life.

Well some said I was trapped by the sitch. I was blind. Others said that I was poisoned by his sweet disguise because if he really loved me he will dump the other woman clinging on him. He did actually. He saved our relationship. He proved to me that he’s worth fighting for. So as a result, I gave him another chance and we let true love bloom again.

Suddenly, our happy memories turned into a piece of mess. Drastic. Horrible. If our love was true and powerful, why did it end? He lied to me. He really lied to me. He didn’t dump her. I asked him why? Because the other woman was suicidal he said. For God’s sake! Desperate! I gave up but he said he’ll fix all the mess and I just have to wait. I waited for months and months then one night, his brother texted me saying that my first love will marry the other woman. I cried. I cried. All I know was I cried.

After crying for a night, the next day, I learned how to be strong. I learned how to be tough. I learned how to stand up again. I can’t be mad at him for what he had done because despite of that anger, nothing will happen. It will just make my life more miserable. On the contrary, I realized at one point in my life that I was happy with our fate because I changed his life. From trash, he became a good and responsible man. He was just so unlucky because he was tied to a leech but that’s his destiny. Suddenly, with the swirling of thoughts in my mind, his unending line beat me “You’re my angel.” I grasped, I really was his angel.

4 years and 6 months of being single and alone, past forgotten, no communication; I felt another spark but I was so damn afraid to love again but I can’t help it. I fell. And it was like déjà vu because I was caught by the wrong one for the second time. They have the same attitude, vices, and everything. But along the line, beyond my standards, he was the one I chose. I didn’t know why. That’s the magic of love. You will never know when to fall and who will catch you.

Yes, for second time the ending’s not good and it lasted only for 4 months. And pretty terrible! Life was really tricky! My first breakup was on the 24^th and with the second, it was twisted to 23^rd to 24^th too. Sigh. However, I got no regrets because at this time, I learned again. And come on! I believe that life’s too short to stress myself with people who do not deserve to be a part of me! Anyway, I wonder if what my first love will say if I will tell him all my stories about this recent guy. I bet he’ll laugh because upon making me a man hater and picky one, I was poisoned again by love. Well, that’s life. No matter how many fool, stupid, first love-like guy, and 24^th heartbreaking disaster will come my way, I believe that I will always be an angel. J

A Great Encounter With A Rose

Whenever I feel the heap of loneliness, I just look up to the sky and pray that someday, a knight in a shining armor will take me in his castle of blissfulness and love. I'm not afraid of taking chances and dreaming of a fairy tale-like love story which will entail my happiness. I certainly believe that I can find that happiness momentously within the swirl of time and fate. Like a rose, it takes a lot of time to bloom. I'm not rushing things. Instead, I patiently wait and wait until I can shine beautifully with that one guy who is right for me. :)

Saan banda?

Napagkasunduang ang magiging tema ng folio ngayon eh VOCEA “Boses ng Kabataan Tungo sa Pagbabago ng Bayan.” Sabi ng utak ko (at utak ng ibang kasama) ang hirap naman! Mahirap nga ba? Saan banda? Kung tutuusin, madami tayong masasabi kapag ganito ang paksa sa pagsulat ng artikulo. Siyempre, madami tayong himutok tungkol sa mundong puro karahasan; sa bayang puno ng kurakot; pamayanang may masungit na mga opisyal; mataas na tutition fee; maging sa kaklase mong ayaw kang pang-gawa ng assignment; sa nanay mong katak ng katak sayo tuwing umaga; sa naghihirapang exam at quiz na kulang na lang eh dumugo na lahat sayo; sa pagrereview na katambal mo na ang kape, cobra, sting, extra joss, maging katol (yung totoo, walang budget? Katol na lang?); kaibigang ayaw kang samahang mag-shot; kaaway mong non-sense kausap; girlfriend o boyfriend mong puro na lang selos (forever!); maging sa mga pusang tumatalon sa mesa niyo para kumuha ng foods pag walang tao; (grabe aagawan ka pa ng ulam!) Kulang na lang buong buhay mo ireklamo mo na rin para magbago!

San ko nga ba uumpisahan to? Nahihirapan ako. (Sabi ko na mahirap naman kasi talaga to iiiihhh!) Una sa lahat gusto kong punahin ang ilan sa kabataan ngayon sa mga gawain nila. I mean, kung gusto talaga natin ng pagbabago kailangan mag-umpisa yun sa ating mga sarili. For example, sinasabi ng iba sa atin na naghihirap sila pero sabayan sa pag-gastos. Makita mo, naka-signature na bags, shoes, etc. Sasabihin nila fake lang to! Weh! Kahit na noh! May bayad pa rin! Ang daming kumakain sa mga magagarbong restaurant, gumagala kung saan-saan. Beach! Overnight! Party like it’s the end of the world! Bongga! Tapos pagdating sa school, may babayaran na konting contri pang-xerox, dos lang hihingi pa sa kasama. Eto pa, ayaw naman natin talagang lahat sa kurakot pero aha, puro kupit tayo sa ating mga magulang! Walang katapusang kupit! (Aray ko!) Kung anu-ano sinasabi nating babayaran diumano sa kanila. Ultimo yata noun, pronoun, mathematics, articles a and an binabayaran daw! (Aray ko na naman!) Eto pang malupit eh! Ayaw ng lahat sa sinungaling na gobyerno! Umpisahan natin ulit sa simpleng tayo. Kunyari daw gagawa ng project overnight, anong gagawin? Gagala lang! Project sa Kart! Project sa sinehan, sa mall. Oh diba? Ayaw natin ng mapagbalat-kayong gobyerno pero tayo sa buhay natin eh nagsisinungaling din naman. (paminsan-minsan lang! :]) Ano pa? Eto. Nagagalit tayo pag may mga nakakaranas ng lindol, bagyo, tsunami, at kung anu-ano pang delubyo! Sasabihin natin “Napakawalang disiplina kasi ng tao. Ayan tuloy nagagalit ang kalikasan.” Duh! Kasama tayo dun. Kung may malasakit tayo sa kapaligiran hindi tayo gagawa ng ikakasira nito. Eh hindi eh! Sa classroom nga lang pag kakain ng chichirya sa klase o iinom ng softdrinks, isisiksik pa yung pinaglagyan sa upuan eh. Di ba? Napangiti ka? Meron pa. Save water! Eh sa bahay niyo nga pag naligo ka isang oras eh! Kasabay nun ang pagbuhos ng tubig sa gripo! Magkano na kaya singil sa inyo ng Water District kung araw-araw ganun ang gawain mo? Lumipat naman tayo sa ibang aspeto, wag puro satin. Maraming nabubulgar! (hehe!) Paglabas mo sa school, 25 pesos na lang extra mo. Gutom na gutom ka na at alam mong sa halagang yun makakabili ka na ng Mcdo Sundae! (Nomnom!) Takam na takam ka na sa sundae mo ng biglang paglabas mo ng Mcdo eh may sasalubong sayong mga pulubi. Marurumi sila. Gusgusin. Walang mga tsinelas. Halatang namimilipit na sa sobrang gutom; sa kalam ng sikmura. Pero wag ka! Imbes na maawa ka maiinis ka! Tama ba naman kasing hingin nila sundae mo eh di pa natikman ng taste buds mo! Eto pa! Isasawsaw pa nila yung napakaitim nilang mga daliri sa sundae mo para lang mapwersa kang ibigay sa kanila. Siyempre ibibigay mo! Imaginine mo, ikaw ba naman gugustuhin mong kainin pa yon eh pinagsawsawan na ng daliring napaka----alam mo na. Yung iba naman, havey mamalimos. “Teh pengeng piso” Pag sinabi mong wala sisigaw mga yan “Ang damot mo naman!” o kaya “Bakit wala? Hindi ka ba binigyan ng baon ng nanay mo?!” Oh diba, ikaw pa mapapahiya. Meron pa yung namemresyo. Binigyan mo na ng piso, hihirit pa “piso lang? lima naman daw teh”. Tapos makita mo niyan pinangka-karakrus lang nila. Sa mura nilang edad alam na nila ang sugal. Yung mga magulang nila? Nasan? Ayun, sugal din ang hinaharap. Yung iba pagkagising sa umaga gin na ang tinutungga. Hinahayaan nilang palabuy-laboy ang kanilang mga anak; gutom nang pampisikal, gutom pa sa pagmamahal. Isa pang isyu? Pag nanonood tayo ng telebisyon, naiinis tayo minsan kasi yung mga balita tungkol sa hindi maputul-putol na pagtatraydor ng ilan sa mga pulitika at pag-gawa ng mga kwento sa isa’t isa. Yung iba nagbibitiw pa ng maaanghang na salita na nakakasira sa integridad kahit hindi naman alam ang buong istorya. Nakikisawsaw lang. Pero sating ordinaryong mamamayan, kasayang nakikipagtsismisan diba? (aminin!) Ngunit, subalit, datapwat, naisip ko, bakit kaya kailangang pagkwentuhan ang ibang tao. Sa totoo lang, oo, hindi naman maiiwasan yun eh. Ang masaklap lang mayroong mga taong sobra kung makapagduro, makapagkalat ng baho ng iba at makapang-husga ng kapwa pero ang totoo niyan ganun din ugali o gawain nila. Ironic noh? Meron pa! Nagagalit yung iba kasi pinag-uusapan sila pero pag sila ang kumakatak tungkol sa isang tao, tatawanan pa nila! (emotional?) Isa pang isyu sa telebisyon. May mga famous celebrities na humihingi ng donations for charity. Naisip ko lang, humihingi sila ng tulong sa bawat mamamayan, eh sila naka-diamonds at gold! Halatang mayaman, edi dapat sila rin mismo ginagawa nila ang ganong klase ng tungkulin diba? Nagsasabi lang po ako ng pananaw. Kaya sa tingin mo, may mabuti ba sa mga ganitong klase ng gawain? Saan banda?

Ilan lamang ito sa mga nakakatuwang ikot ng buhay ng mga ordinaryong tao ngunit nagbibigay ng ibang kahulugan sa ating bayan. Hindi ko naman ipinupunto na isa ako sa mga gumagawa ng tama o isa ako sa mga gumagawa ng mali. Nais ko lamang ipabatid sa ating lahat lalung-lalo na sa mga kapwa ko kabataan na kung gugustuhin natin ng pagbabago, kailangan magsimula ito sa ating mga sarili. Hindi natin pwedeng isisi ang papisu-pisong dagdag sa pasahe, load, kwek-kwek, pineapple juice, ensaymada, o kahit ano pa man sa gobyerno. Oo, siguro may kakulangan ang ilan sa iba ngunit meron din sa ating parte. Hindi natin pwedeng ipasan ang lahat ng nangyayaring kaguluhan, giyera, pagnanakaw, carnapping, salvage, o maging ang kulto sa mga may katungkulan. Simulan natin itong solusyunan sa pamamagitan ng pag-iingat. Ano pa? Hindi rin natin dapat isakdal sa iba ang ganti ng kalikasan - lindol, bagyo, hurricane, tsunami, etc.sa mga taong iniisip natin na walang ginawang mabuti para sa kapaligiran. Disiplina at malasakit ang kailangan natin. At higit sa lahat, paulit-ulit ng nagiging paksa ito, parang sirang plaka pero wala pa rin pagbabago. Madaling sabihin ngunit mahirap gawin. Sa kabila ng lahat, pagbabago pa rin ang susi. Pagbabago na kahit mahirap paigtingin ay sinusubukang kayanin ng bawat isa sa atin. Ikaw, magbabago ka ba? Saan banda? J